Sunday, January 12, 2025

People around me fail to realize how bad of a person I really am and get scandalized when I make jokes about it. And get surprised when I act like (surprise, surprise) a piece of shit. I AM a terrivle person. I lack empathy, I don't care ™, and I don't want to be touched I don't want to be touched I DONT WANT TO BE TOUCHED I DO NOT WANT TO BE TOUCHED my mother's love is suffocating my father Will Never try to understand i cannot talk to my own sister and i do not want to be touched i do not want to be seen god im gonna rip my face off please just stop looking at me

Sunday, January 5, 2025

Happy New Year, reader. Here's a recap of my winter break because it's been eventful:

-18.12 was supposed to be my last day, but my psychology teacher got into a car accident and couldn't make it to class (I hope she's well)

-22.12 went to my old classmate's birthday party

-25.12 finished reading Süskind's Perfume; downloaded Alice Madness Returns again; handled my giant african millipede for the first time in months

-27.12 went to two beautiful exhibitions (Ismailova's A Seed Under Our Tongue and Jean Tinguely) with my old friend group and my highschool arts teacher (I love her so much)

-29.12 watched Squid Game 2 (and enjoyed it maily because of my man Seunghyun...I missed him so much)

-01.01 watched Nosferatu at the movie theatre with my best friend

-02.02 watched Giselle at the theatre with my bestie

I'm quite exhausted and I'm not ready for tuesday to come. I'm exhausted either way; either I spend my free time at home or constantly outside. I don't really believe in New Year's goals, but my one and only ambition this year is to try to stop complaining. Complaining won't do anything to make it better.

Wednesday, December 25, 2024

I'm not a very consistent person, commitment scares me. But let me fill you in on these last few days.

The birthday party went fairly well. Seeing how much my classmates changed made me realize how different I am. How the difference between me and my classmates got eventually bigger. Like a thin stream of water that slowly turns into a river.

I have to confess this evident difference hurt me more than I imagined it would hurt me. Likewise, seeing my old "tiny bit of a crush" hurt me. I somehow realized the profoundness of my seemingly childish and lighthearted feelings for her. That night, when I got home, when I lay in bed and I couldn't sleep, I could've sworn I had loved her. But I was feverish with mania and emotional.

Surely, a piece of mine is hers and the affection I feel for her is genuine. (?)

As predicted, everyone is home and I am going insane. Save me.

Friday, December 20, 2024

You don't know my name. You don't know my age, my race, my gender. You're safe with my secrets and with my useless stream of thoughts. So I'll write as if I'm speaking to my reflection in the mirror (or to a tree I met on a walk) and I urge you to read me as if you were a piece of paper. You're as free as paper here! But I digress...

I've been invited to a birthday party tomorrow by an old classmate of mine. It's going to be quite small but the thought of seeing my old classmates after two years terrifies me nonetheless. I hope it'll go alright. I hope I won't feel too emotionally drained afterwards.

The holidays just started and all I can think about is moving out. I don't know if I'll be able to survive in this place with these people for more than a week. I'll actually go insane or something. And just thinking about how much stuff I have to study makes me nauseous.

Did I mention I used to have a tiny bit of a crush on the birthday classmate? It's silly, really. I even used to joke about it all the time.